WE'LL SMOKE THE BLIGHTER OUT

So, dinner last night was... interesting. We hit up Rue Montorgueil which is a street running off ours parallel to Rue St Denis. Two blocks apart yet so different. Rue St Denis is where all the sex shops are as well as restaurants. Rue Montorgueil is more restaurants, bars and produce. Lots of cheese, butcher, fruit, seafood, bakery and patisserie shops.

We stopped at a little restaurant/bar where we had to wait for ages to have our order taken. Teneille was getting quite irate, thinking she'd somehow wronged the French people and that's why they were making us wait. In actual fact they were just short-staffed. This was our first time eating dinner out because we'd been so wrecked previous nights. We ordered escargot as entree because, you know, France. And then Teneille ordered steak for her main meal. Well, she thought she did. What she actually ordered was raw mince moulded into the shape of a steak. Teneille did not like the snails. Teneille did not like the 'steak'. Was a good dinner.

Snails = gross.

Teneille getting stuck into her raw meat.

We walked dinner off by heading back to the Louvre to see it all lit up at night. The pyramids were still ugly but the stonework looked fantastic. As we began meandering back home we saw another example of Paris drivers being crazy mofos. The thing we've learned about driving in Paris is we are never going to do it. Drivers don't care about red lights. Or pedestrians who have a green light to cross the road. There are barely any structured lanes and drivers just go wherever the hell they want. As we exited the Louvre complex we saw about five cars all facing different ways in the middle of an intersection. It was like a knot of cars. And they were all honking their horns at each other. Then a bus - queued across the intersection trying to access the Louvre - had a driver who decided to open his window to have words with the other cars honking at him. As the bus driver did this his vehicle continued inching forwards across a pedestrian crossing that was green lit for people to cross the road. He nearly mowed a bunch of people down. It was nuts.

The Louvre at night is beautiful.

We got home without any dramas although Teneille was up at 1am feeling unwell. That raw meat must not have sat very well with her. Friday was a free day though so we didn't have to be anywhere early which was a blessing.

Teneille was, indeed, much better when she awoke so we had some breakfast and video-phoned home to say hi to the kids and other assorted family members. Our children clearly don't understand the concept of video phone calls and insisted on putting their faces right up to the camera. Aiden's nose is tres clean.

We headed out towards the Louvre with the aim of visiting Angelina's Salon, Sainte-Chapelle and point zero at Notre Dame. Angelina's is supposedly famous for the hot chocolate they serve. We thought it was all very nice but nothing outstanding. It was quite a balmy 25C and sunny which meant every model and their photographer were out in the streets. I think we saw three separate shoots between Angelina's and Pont Neuf, one model wearing a transparent dress that revealed EVERYTHING.

Being photographed is the thing to day on a nice day in Paris.

Sainte-Chapelle is just down the road from Notre Dame but sees nowhere near the tourism traffic of the world-famous cathedral. Notre Dame is beautiful but Sainte-Chapelle is breathtaking. It looks to be just another church from the outside but the 15 stained-glass windows on the upper level are amazing and depict more than 1000 scenes from the bible. Truly stunning.

We ducked over to Notre Dame after Sainte-Chapelle and found point zero. This was something we'd meant to do the other day when we had our cathedral tour but forgot. Point zero is located just outside the cathedral doors in the public square and was believed to be the centre of Paris back in ye olden times. Any distance from Paris to other towns and villages was calculated as starting from this spot outside Notre Dame.

Point zero at Notre Dame.

Having ticked those things from our list we turned for home and stopped at a Maccas for lunch on the way - you know, to see if it really does taste the same regardless of country. We had coke/fanta, cheeseburgers, fries and nuggets. Yes, it was the same. Boring. The end.

Same-same, not different.

After a brief rest at the apartment we went shopping at a big retail centre we didn't even know was near us. It is called Forum Des Halles and is right near our place but is entirely underground. What we thought was a staircase leading to a station was really a staircase leading to a station and a four-level underground shopping mecca. Apparently, it used to be a huge meat-packing and processing market until that was closed for sanitary reasons. We bought a few things then went and had dinner at a little Italian restaurant up the road. I ordered our dinner in French - yay me - and Teneille was really nice and said I did a good job. The waiter replied in English.

The last dinner before Teneille turns a number we can't talk about.

And today's blog title hails from Alice in Wonderland and is for all the bloody Parisian smokers. We seem to spend half our days waving away clouds of smoke. It's like they really are trying to smoke us out of the country!

Our km count today was around 8.5km so that's 35.5km walked total so far.

A cute little shop that sells only music boxes.

Other crap we saw today:
-Police on roller blades. Because you can't be mobile enough.
-Speaking of mobile, we have seen lots of people on these weird unicycle segue way things. Picture a segue way with no handlebars and just one wheel.
-Another Sephora. Have lost count now of how many we've seen. There were two separate Sephora shops in the Forum Des Halles centre. I don't understand the business logic.

Cops on roller blades.

Teneille looking tres French.

THE BARE NECESSITIES

Only one thing on the agenda today and that was the Louvre. A bit overcast, with some rain in the Parisian sky made for a perfect museum day. Our apartment is only about a 10-15 minute walk from the world's biggest museum so we left early and found a great little boulangerie along the way to get some breakfast.

With pain au chocolat in hand we walked to the Pont des Arts to eat before meeting our Louvre guide. Mistake. We were accosted by two gypsies trying to get us to make donations to a fake charity. The problem was we were seated so getting away proved a tad difficult. One of the gypsies was quite aggressive to the point Teneille almost told her to f**k off in French. This is the same woman who will actively change which side of me she is walking on through a shopping centre to put my body between hers and any charity people trying to grab our attention (and money). Teneille was still quite riled up about the whole exchange 10 minutes later.

Pont des Arts... you can't put padlocks on the bridge anymore but that hasn't stopped people trying on the lamps. Hats off to the people who made this clump look like a heart.

We also saw this bizarre police cavalcade that literally stopped traffic to enable the procession through. There must have been at least 10 bikes, four sedans with all officers carrying semi-automatic weapons and three heavily armoured vans. No idea what it was about but they weren't letting anyone break their formation.

We met our Louvre guide and a lovely couple from Yorkshire who were also tagging along. The guide was only showing us the outside of the Louvre and explaining some of the building's history before cutting us lose inside the museum to do our own thing. Much like our Notre Dame tour I found the history of the Louvre quite remarkable. It was originally a fortress on the Seine in order to detect and warn Notre Dame of potential attacks from France's enemies. Various monarchs and military leaders (including Napoleon) extended and upgraded the fortress over time to make it a palace. There was also an incident with the protestants where hundreds of people had shown up to a wedding at the Louvre palace when the mother of the groom had a change of heart about marrying her son off to a protestant so she ordered the walls closed and every protestant on the palace grounds slaughtered. Game of Thrones' red wedding, anyone?

The Louvre... Lovely except for those stupid pyramids.

Our guide was lovely and had a great passion for the Louvre although he made it quite clear he hated the glass pyramids with the fire of a thousand suns.

Once inside the museum we made a beeline for the Mona Lisa. It was bigger than I expected after hearing everyone say how small it was. Teneille loved Venus de Milo as well as the Egyptian collection. We were disappointed not to have access to the opulent Napoleon rooms as they were closed for works but hopefully we'll see that kind of residence on day trip to Versailles next week.

Found her...

Some dead guy.

Again, we got straight into the landmark - no lines to speak of - but the one thing we did have trouble with was the bloody map. The museum was impossible to navigate accurately. We thought we were heading in one direction but ended up somewhere entirely different from where we wanted. Even when we knew exactly where we were on the map and walked in a straight line we wound up someplace we hadn't expected. It was quite infuriating. But there were lots of swords and statues and carvings and statues and paintings and one or two statues. The sculptures were really quite impressive but where others see men worshipping gods I see weeping angels from Doctor Who and kept needing to look over my shoulder.

Greeks and Romans invented the original selfie...

Ceilings the way they were meant to be.

Teneille was feeling quite a bit more confident with her French on the walk back to the apartment so we stopped at the boulangerie from the morning to buy une baguette, deux croissant, une mousse chocolat and une eclair chocolat. We also stopped at a fromagerie to get some cheese varieties and ham. This gave us the bare necessities to survive in Paris so we headed off. We devoured the baguette, cheese and ham when we got back to the apartment. Thanks a lot Paris. You've ruined cheese and bread for us.

Mmmm... French bread and cheeses...

So much cheese.

With our walk to the Louvre and back plus the walking through the museum itself I put our km count for today at a conservative nine. So that's 27km to date on the trip.

We aren't completely wrecked tonight so will actually venture out to have some dinner at a restaurant. The plan is to wander the streets, try not to get hit on by prostitutes, and find somewhere that looks decent.

Condoms in France... because simply pulling one out of your wallet doesn't say enough.

A look down our street.

GOD HELP THE OUTCASTS

We finally managed to explore our neighbourhood last night after the debacle of getting into our apartment. We are based in the second arrondissement and our area has quite a nightlife. There are restaurants, bars, bistros and everything in between wherever you look. You can't swing a well-groomed dog without hitting a sex shop or strip club and you can't swing a sex shop without hitting a well-groomed dog. It all seems quite trendy - we like it.

Best part of last night's exploration was the Lego shop we found. A shop just for Lego. They had giant Lego stuff everywhere. It was amazing. We ended the night by stopping at a supermarket and buying some wine and toasted sandwiches for dinner. We were buggered after the journey over so simple was good. One good thing did come from not being able to get into the apartment until late: We were so freaked out about the possibility of not getting in that we were wired on adrenalin. It meant we went to bed late and slept through to morning - no jet lag so far.

All Lego.

Our first full day in Paris dawned - well not really seeing the sun doesn't rise til almost 8am! - with some bad news from home. My grandmother had died suddenly the day before. I had a rough morning before we headed out to see the Arc de Triomphe in a bid to take my mind off things. We gave ourselves a couple of hours to walk the distance because the Arc and the Eiffel Tower are the biggest distances from our apartment at about 4.5km. Teneille was impressed with the cleanliness of the streets considering she thought them dirty the night before and I went hungry because every time we saw a boulangerie she decided she was too nervous to try and speak French to French people. We found a bar with alcohol bottles lit up in the windows. It was seriously A LOT of alcohol. Four bottles deep in some places.

Mmmm... alcohol.

We found the Arc without too much hassle because, you know, it's freaking big. There was no line to get in which was amazing so we climbed that sucker to the top - all 300 stairs up the spiral staircase. On the terrace Teneille got her first look at the Eiffel Tower and you couldn't wipe the smile from her face.

First stop... the Arc.

Wide screen lenses are awesome!

We hit the Champs Elysses after the Arc and got very excited when we found the Disney shop. We have a day at Euro Disney next week so if this shop was any indication we'll be flapping around like excited little children for the better part of a whole day. My mother will be pleased to know we took her advice and didn't buy any expensive anythings on the Champ Elysses.

Did we mention we loved the Disney shop?

The reason for heading along the Champs Elysses was we had a 2pm tour of Notre Dame we were making our way towards. This gave us our first glimpse of the Seine as well as the Louvre (which we visit tomorrow) and other assorted monuments. We found the Pont des Arts or the padlock bridge as it became known. Fun fact: All the padlocks were removed for fear the bridge might collapse under the added weight and fence panels replaced with perspex so no new padlocks could be attached. Fun fact two: People didn't give a shit about the perspex panels and began attaching padlocks to anything they could find.

The dude in the centre was the first Bishop of Paris. The legend goes he was beheaded but walked 6 miles carrying his own head... hence him carrying his own head in his sculpture at the Notre Dame entrance.

We found Notre Dame easily and commenced our tour which was quite educational and interesting. I lit a candle at the cathedral for my grandmother - she would have loved that. The only downside of the tour was this pompous man who thought he knew more than the tour guide. He definitely didn't know how to dress...

Lighting a candle for Nanny.

Fashion...

We finished our sightseeing off with a cruise along the Seine. There were two awesome things about the cruise. 1: The cloud layer had evaporated which meant we saw the whole Eiffel Tower - we only saw the bottom half atop the Arc earlier that morning. 2: Our river cruise guide was a French Andy!

Teneille with the French Andy!

We walked about 13km today so that's 18kms so far with yesterday's panicked 5km. The song title for today's post comes from the Hunchback of Notre Dame. We chose it because we spent a good chunk of the day at the cathedral but also because the song deals with the gypsies in France and today we were approached by a lot of them!

Fun on the river.

Pretty...

And finally, Teneille's observations so far:

• Public toilets have a universal smell regardless of country - except here you have to pay for the privilege of smelling it.
• Police walk around in threes. Always threes.
• There are a lot of attractive people in Paris - both genders.
• No-one faces each other while seated at cafes - all chairs face out to the street.

A WHOLE NEW WORLD

Words cannot describe the stress we endured upon our arrival in fair Paris but I'll give it a shot. Before that though... the journey.

Teneille and I had a bit of a mad rush on Monday as we packed for the trip, she tried to get her job application for teaching positions next year completed and we paid not one, but two visits to her grandfather in hospital. Two out of three ain't bad as Meatloaf would say and it was the job application that fell through the cracks. Teneille's grandfather has been quite ill in hospital for two weeks so it was a must that we saw him before we left. He greatly appreciated us smuggling in three mini bottles of scotch - something he was "f***ing desperate for".

We ditched the kids without much hassle and left them to my champion sister and her champion husband before catching the train to the airport with Teneille looking a little something like this...

Excited much?

A quick dinner with mum and dad who had come in to see us off and we were through customs and at the departure gate. We flew with Emirates and I don't know what to say about it as I've never been overseas before so have nothing to compare it to. Slept for some of the 14 hours, food was average and there was a very angry man who kept complaining his TV wasn't working. I tried to watch Ghost in the Shell but gave up after half an hour because it was merde. He wasn't missing much.

Our flight was delayed out of Sydney which meant our 2.5 hour layover in Dubai became less than hour. We'll try and check it out on the way home. The lady we sat next to was heading to Ireland. We were concerned about getting our connection to Paris. We became slightly less worried when she told us her connecting flight was due to leave within minutes of us landing. Hope she got home ok.

The seven-hour flight from Dubai to Paris was uneventful. More average food and Teneille finishing her job application.

Teaching never stops...

Once we go through customs at Charles De Gaulle airport the dramas started. We landed at 1:30pm and had to meet our apartment manager in Paris at 3:30pm. I'll itemise the issues we faced:

• It was 30 minutes before our baggage arrived. Seriously, ours must have last suitcases off
• It then took ages to get train tickets into Paris.
• The train stopped at Gare du Nord for us to get a connecting train to where our apartment was but our bloody tickets wouldn't let us through the barriers so we had to find someone to let us through manually.
• All this ate up precious time as our 3:30pm deadline loomed. It was about this time we realised our phones were completely useless. No signal whatsoever despite the lovely people at Virgin assuring me before I left that everything would be fine.
• No phones meant no map to navigate to the apartment once we alighted at Saint-Denis and no phones meant we couldn't phone our apartment manager to tell them we were late.
• We eventually got to the apartment an hour late and asked at the gym next door if we could borrow their phone. They pointed us to a nearby public phone that was not so nearby when you have three suitcases plus carry-on luggage to drag around.
• The apartment manager didn't answer when I called from the public phone and I had no return number to offer in my voicemail.

By this time it is after 4:30pm and we were seriously wondering if we would spend our first night in Paris on the street like the 10 million prostitutes we'd walked past from the station to the apartment. I eventually went into a tobacconist where the friendly Chinese owner sold me a sim card and helped me put credit on it and call the apartment manager again. Thank god she answered her bloody phone!

Long story short... I left Teneille outside the apartment with the luggage while I successfully navigated a 10 minute walk to pick up a key. Typing this out has been quite therapeutic I must say. We shall go for a wander to explore our neighbourhood and find some dinner soon after Teneille has washed the stress away with a shower. Tomorrow we have the Arc de Triomphe, Notre Dame and a cruise on the Seine.

The main living area of our apartment.

The view from our balcony.

Oh, and the name of the post? Think we'll try a Disney theme. This is of course after one of Aladdin's iconic songs because we have indeed stepped into a whole new world. Plus, you know, Dubai - Aladdin... it just works.