YOU CAN FLY!

And so the grand Paris deception is over. After two years of secretly planning to get Teneille to Paris for her 30th birthday the dream trip has reached its conclusion and we are home again.

The trip home was relatively uneventful. We got to the airport in Paris after a sad farewell to our apartment. The train ride was easy but getting on wasn't. It was quite the squeeze but with some pushing and shoving we sorted it. I managed to stay awake on the 6.5-hour trip from Paris to Dubai which meant by the time we boarded the connecting flight to Sydney I'd been awake about 24 hours. There was a kid who kept kicking Teneille's seat to the point she was ready to brain him. She restrained herself and the child survived.

Dubai airport was boring. I don't know if we were in the wrong part but it wasn't exactly glamourous. There was construction everywhere inside the airport though so maybe it will be amazing when that's finished. We saw sacked Bulldogs coach Des Hasler waiting to board our flight home. Not sure where he'd been but getting the chop obviously means it's holiday time.

Des Hasler in Dubai.

Dubai to Sydney was a long haul. There was a bit of turbulence which put Teneille on edge but it wasn't crazy bumpy so we all survived. I stayed awake the first few hours thinking I'd sleep the last half of that leg and wake as we arrived in Sydney at 7am back on Aussie time. I'd been awake 28 hours by the time I tried to sleep but I just dozed and kept waking every hour.

Coming into Sydney.

We breezed through customs without getting checked although before that Teneille did have to run back to the plane after leaving her mobile plugged in to her seat to charge. A train and a taxi later we are home, showered and ready to see the babies.

Thanks to everyone who helped plan the trip or helped keep our house and children’s' lives running in our absence. We had an amazing time.

ALL I ASK OF YOU

I have broken with the Disney song theme for our last day in Paris and gone with one from The Phantom of the Opera because we finally made it into Palais Garnier. Third time's the charm it would seem.

Third time lucky!

We began our day with a bit of packing before flying out in the evening and then headed for the Paris opera house. We tried to stop at Teneille's preferred boulangerie but it turns out they are closed Mondays and Tuesdays so we got our final breakfast pain au chocolat elsewhere.

There was a short line to get into Palais Garnier but it was worth the wait. The place is amazing from its ornate architecture, to the huge chandelier in the auditorium, to the painted ceilings, to the grand staircase. Palais Garnier was completed in 1875 and used for the setting of Gaston Leroux's 1910 novel The Phantom of the Opera. In 1896, one of the counterweights on the chandelier broke free and fell to the floor, killing a concierge. This incident gave rise to one of the more famous scenes in Leroux's story. The huge underground lakes in Phantom were born of a legend that subterranean lakes existed beneath the opera house. In actual fact, the ground where they built the opera house was just very wet and they spent a long time trying to pump ground water away from the site.

One of the songs from the musical, All I Ask Of You, is what Teneille and I danced to at our wedding. We sang it from one of the balconies in Palais Garnier. People stared. I don't care.



From the opera house we headed to the Louvre to do some last-minute shopping along the Rue de Rivoli and then we walked the banks of the Seine one last time. We placed a padlock on Pont Neuf because that's the thing to do and Teneille took one final, wistful look at the Eiffel Tower.

As we were walking back past Pont des Arts we saw a huge crowd gathered at the far end of the bridge so we wandered over to check it out. There was a film crew shooting some sort of show or movie. I don't know what happened to the poor woman they were trying to resuscitate but she had died a bloody, bloody death.

It's a miracle! They said 'cut' and she got better.

Hope the packed enough fake blood.

Some gypsies tried to get money out of us as we walked back through the Louvre forecourt and Teneille wanted to go back and follow them around to tell people they were con artists. I persuaded her otherwise seeing we made through two weeks without an international incident and I'd like to keep it that way.

This violin guy knows how to play some tunes.

I'm now typing this up while Teneille has a shower before we finish packing and head off. I'm slightly pissed off at the guy from the airport train station who told us how to get to our apartment when we first arrived. He told us to go to Gare du Nord then switch lines to get here. Well, there's a direct line from Chatelet Les Halles straight to the airport so that guy is clearly a dick.

I'll probably do one more post once we're home but for all intents and purposes this is it.

Oh, and we walked 6km today to break the 100km mark and sit on 104.5km for the trip. We are machines!

The grand chandelier that killed a concierge in the 1800s.

SUBSTITUTIARY LOCOMOTION

Today was a free day of sorts but we had a few loose ends we wanted to tie up so was quite a busy one. We walked a massive 13km in total to make it 98.5km for the whole trip. We'll crack the 100km mark tomorrow before we catch a train out to the airport.

We had a bit of a late start after getting to bed after midnight following the Loire Valley day trip and we took the opportunity to phone home one last time before we're out of contact during our flights home. Emily started crying because she missed us which made Teneille cry. The fact the kids have done so well without us is testament to my sister and everyone else who has helped looked after them in our absence.

Remember that time I was crowned king of France?

With tears dried we set off for Palais Garnier (the opera house) to explore what we missed out on the other day. We got there at 12:29pm to find out they were closing to the public at 12:30pm to set up for a performance that night. We'll return tomorrow and go for third time lucky.

We passed a street called Rue de Balzac which had Cafe Balzac on the corner. Teneille couldn't contain her fits of giggles at the thought of a ball sack cafe. She was still laughing to herself two blocks later. We saw a Michael Jackson shop as well which grabbed Teneille's attention.

Missing out on the opera house again wasn't too much of a hassle as it was on our way to the Arc de Triomphe. We did the arc on our first day in Paris but wanted to walk the Champs Elysses again. We stopped in at the Disney store again but it was packed being a Sunday so we made good our escape and continued on. We were heading to Invalides which meant we crossed the Alexander III bridge. On our way we passed between the Grand Palais and Petit Palais which are right across the road from each other. Grand Palais might be bigger but Petit Palais' entrance shits all over its big brother's.

We got into Invalides without any crowd issues despite it being a weekend. For those not familiar with this building it was essentially a giant hospital/care centre built by Napoleon to look after soldiers returning from war. Those who recovered but couldn't return to war were sent to work in the catacombs while those unable to recover were looked after at Invalides. These days, Invalides is split into two sections - a war museum and Napoleon's tomb. Most important French people are in the Pantheon crypt but Napoleon gets his own special place.

Invalides from the front.

Invalides from within.

Napoleon's tomb under the dome.

We visited the tomb first under the Invalides dome. If the French know how to do one thing very well... it's domes. After that, we hit the war museum which includes full suits of armour for men and horses as well as hundreds of guns and swords and bows and arrows. Some of the suits of armour belonged to French kings and you could see dents and holes where they'd been struck in battle. One breast plate we saw had a huge hole in the front and the back. Apparently, the person wearing it had been hit with a cannon ball. A cannon ball that went in one side and out the other. Ouch!

Cannon balls... they hurt.

I basically walked through the rooms of suits of armour chanting "Treguna Mekoides Tracorum Satis Dee" in low tones that echoed around the halls. If that, coupled with the name of today's blog, doesn't mean anything to you then you're dead to me. Google it. Seriously, people. Sadly, none of the armour came to life thus allowing me to raise an army and take Paris as my own.

This was Napoleon's horse. Like, his actual horse. It was stuffed and stored at the Louvre before being released to Invalides so he could be near his master once more.

Horses had to be be bloody strong.

Someone thought big of themselves.

Teneille riding a cannon just because.

From Invalides we headed back up the Seine to Pont Neuf where we had dinner. We did a Seine cruise our first day in Paris but wanted to do another one at night before we left and this was where the boats left from. Teneille, in another bizarre case of wanting to climb things, wanted a picture of herself standing on the bridge. While I was trying to take the photo I accidentally stepped in front of a cyclist riding on the footpath. I apologised for not watching where I was going while she rolled her eyes and huffed off. An elderly couple walking in the opposite direction saw the cyclist sassing me and absolutely gave it to her with both barrels. I don't know what they said but imagine it had something to do with this woman riding on the footpath and having the audacity to give me attitude when she should have been on the bloody road instead.

I tried to talk her out of this.

The cruise was pretty packed but we were front of the line so got decent seats. This was the last time Teneille will see the Eiffel Tower lit up at night so she was a little sad about that. But, honestly, every time she lays eyes on the tower her face brightens. It's gorgeous to watch. That alone has been worth getting her here.

We essentially have tomorrow in Paris too as our flight isn't until 10pm so we'll pack in the morning and go for one last wander before catching a train to the airport.

More observations from Teneille:
Fat people. Paris has none. And I have to agree - we haven't seen a single fat person since we arrived. I don't know what France's obesity rate is but going on what we've seen in Paris it can't be massive like Australia's is.

TALE AS OLD AS TIME

Yesterday was our last booked thing in Paris and it was a day trip to the Loire Valley castles about 2.5 hours outside of the city. Today's blog title comes courtesy of our tour guide who spent most of the day regaling us with France's history.

But before that... some drama. It was an early start for us because we had to meet the coach at 7:15am but also because we had to meet outside the catacombs entrance which is too far to walk from our place. We finally figured out how to use the train system and got to the meeting point easily. "Name?" the tour operator asked. "Campbell, David," I replied. "Sorry, I don't have you on the list," he said. Turns out someone - who shall remain nameless - booked the Loire Valley trip for Tuesday last week when we were at Disneyland. Seeing our phones are cactus, no-one could contact us (not that we would have made it anyway) and we missed our tour. There was space on yesterday's tour though and the operator was able to smooth things over at HQ to get us on the coach seeing we'd already paid for a Loire Valley trip and hadn't used it. The coach left on time and we weren't 'those people' who hold things up.

Teneille fell asleep on the coach.

Our first stop was a beautiful building 1.5 hours outside Paris where cars and people could re-energise themselves alike. The architecture wasn't much to look at but it did add a splash of colour to the dreary landscape. It was just a service station. Nothing to see here except strange men trying to shower themselves using the sink in the bathrooms.

Another hour down the road we reached our first castle - the Beauty and the Beast castle - Chateaux de Chambord. The castle is quite striking and has an interesting history from its construction right up to World War II when it was used in a network of other Loire Valley chateauxs to hide France's most precious artworks and cultural relics from the Nazis. The gardens were beautiful and it was easy to see most of the castle because the rooms are unfurnished. This is because when kings came to stay they brought their own furniture with them to suit a season. As the furnishings changed so often no-one saw the point in trying to recreate the castle's interior for tourists. Chambord is also known as the Beauty and the Beast castle because of the way it looks. Luckily, Teneille had decided to wear her Belle cloak although I was disappointed she didn't break into song.

Chambord is tres pretty.

We left Chambord 20 minutes late due to a trio of Mexicans who decided to stop for ice-cream rather than honour the deadline given by our tour guide. It was ridiculous. Our tour guide was literally running around trying to find these people and they simply stroll in 20 minutes after we should left, nonchalantly eating ice-creams.

Belle and I.

Gotta love that mid-18th century graffiti...

Our next stop was a small chateaux that was owned by a family of four generations who operated a vineyard out of the property as well. We had a fabulous cooked lunch there as well as a tasting of the various wines they produce. We were then free to roam the grounds before hopping back on the bus.

Lunch.

Our last stop was a short distance away at the Chateaux de Chenonceau. This castle isn't as big Chambord but the gardens are far more impressive as are the water views. This castle - after an already colourful history - was purchased by the king's mistress before later being taken over by the queen. Its history also stretched in WWII where it was often times used as a base to smuggle refugees and Jews out of Nazi-occupied territory. We toured the grounds and the castle - which was furnished - before another wine tasting in one of the cellars. Teneille also took the opportunity to climb a tree despite a clearly marked sign saying she shouldn't. She then blamed the wine.

We got back to Paris about 7:30pm and headed to a nearby Australian bar for dinner. We made some friends on the day trip so were joined by Jon, Sara and Kellen who were all visiting Paris from the US. The bar didn't offer much in the way of food so Teneille and I had a Fosters each just because and left. Fosters is gross people.

We wandered up a small street near the catacombs for dinner where I successfully required a table for five in French at an Italian restaurant. The food was lovely but the service was strange. We were looked after by three different people at varying points throughout the night. One spoke French, one English and one Italian. It was all very confusing.

We didn't get home until after midnight so we were thankful Sunday is a free day.

The second castle also had donkeys...

Interesting facts we learned from our guide:

• Leonardo da Vinci is buried in the Loire Valley. We would have loved to see that but, alas, it wasn't part of the tour.
• Catherine de Medici only wanted to murder 30 protestants at the Louvre wedding when she locked the gates but catholics inside and outside the Louvre didn't get the message so 30,000 got the bullet... I mean blade.
• To clink your glass with someone else and say "cheers" doesn't mean you like them. It was a way of testing the other person hadn't poisoned your drink because the act of clinking glasses was meant to exchange liquids between both glasses.
• The central stairwell at Chambord is a double helix so the queen could have her own stairs and never risk running into the king's mistresses.
• King Francois I never thought he'd be king so didn't bother learning Latin or court etiquette so when he did in fact become king he made French the national language. French was essentially a language without rules so any mistakes Francois made in laying out the new language were incorporated into it officially.
• Francois really wanted the Mona Lisa but da Vinci said he could only have it when the artist died. When da Vinci died Francois got his painting and hung it in a bathroom where it stayed for 200 years.
• To be considered a beautiful woman back in the day you needed to be extremely pale, flat-chested and have a big forehead and brown eyes.
• One of the miracles performed by the patron saint of France St Genevieve was that when she was a child she went to church like three times a day. Her mother thought this was too much and tried to stop her going so much. Genevieve slapped her mother in the face and made her blind for a year. This was our favourite.
• It's widely believed da Vinci was gay but the king turned a blind eye because of how amazing he was. Some old ducks from the US on our tour didn't like that one.
• When Henry II got a lance through his eye in an ill-conceived duel his queen told people that if they didn't find a cure they could choose between ex-communication or also getting a lance in the eye.
• Henry II had a misshapen penis which is why he struggled to produce an heir. He had a painful surgery before going on to have like 10 kids.

Drinking all the wines...

Teneille climbing a tree...

WHAT'S THIS?

Today was a free day and we didn't do too much so this should be a short post. Teneille slept in and then spent half the day finishing off her job application for work next year. I say 'finishing off' but in essence she spent long periods staring at a computer screen while periodically taking deep breaths and sighing loudly.

After her procrastination period was over we head out towards the Palais Garnier or... the opera house. It is quite a grand building so we stood on the front steps and looked through the gift shop. We were going to wander through it but simply couldn't find an entry point (you couldn't go in via the gift shop as that was an exit only). We'll likely attempt the opera house again before we leave as I've since learned the building and some of its history inspired Gaston Leroux's 1910 novel The Phantom of the Opera. Teneille loves that story/play/movie.

The opera house that inspired a classic.

From the opera house, we jumped one street over to Galeries Lafayette, a massive shopping complex spread over two blocks and seven levels that houses nothing but designer fashion brands. The place was packed with people so we'd hate to see it over Christmas. It would be a nightmare. Teneille ended up buying a Moulin Rouge magnet and a perfume spritzer so just she had a Galeries Lafayette bag that made her look rich and fashionable. Because to shop there you really do need to be freaking rich. We spent most of the time playing a game called How Expensive Is That Ugly Piece Of Clothing? We saw some gross jackets with bits of fluff stuck on them that cost more than 1000 euros each. That's where today's blog title - from the Nightmare Before Christmas - comes from. Because we spent a large portion of the afternoon looking at ugly clothes and asking ourselves 'what's this?'

Seven levels of really expensive shit.

It is pretty though...

We got a bit lost after leaving Galeries Lafayette because exiting from a different part of the building disoriented us slightly. But we did find this cool shirt store my father would have been proud of. Some of the patterns were insane.

That afternoon stroll cost us 5km to make it 82.5km so far.

 

The view from the the terrace at Galeries Lafayette

The cool shirt shop.

We finished the day with dinner at an Italian restaurant in our foodie street up the road from home. The food was great and we both felt sick afterwards we'd eaten so much. The only annoying thing was the passive smoking we had to endure as we ate. Teneille loves Paris and would happily live here but the smoking is really starting to get to her.

Tomorrow we have a day trip to the Loire Valley castles so it will be an early start and a long day.

I CAN GO THE DISTANCE

Our only two appointments today were the Pantheon and Moulin Rouge but we decided to cram a few other things in along the way. Teneille had a bit of a sleep-in while I did domestic things like fold the washing, clean the kitchen, phone home. We found actual milk in a supermarket yesterday so breakfast was half a cup of milk mixed with half a cup of that not-quite-yogurt-but-not-quite-chocolate-milk-stuff we had in the fridge. It created a passable chocolate milk.

We left home after 9am and began our trek to the other side of the Seine. Our first stop, just over Pont Notre Dame was a little Shakespeare and Co book shop. The place is crammed with books from floor to ceiling and even has the little sliding ladders. One of the things we've loved about Paris is the number of book shops. You just don't see them around Sydney anymore. The shop had places to sit and read as well as a piano anyone can play and a resident cat. Today, the shop was meant to have a guest appearance from French actor Gérard Depardieu but his shooting schedule had forced him to postpone the visit.

No pictures allowed inside this book shop.

Oops... my bad.

As we continued towards the Pantheon we found this awesome comic book store that also sold figurines for everything. Mum had told us to look out for a Harry Potter shop but I think this must have been the place. They catered for fans of everything but had a solid Harry Potter section which included wands used by all the characters. There were ties, journals, gloves, pins and more for each of the four Hogwarts houses. There was a golden snitch and various horcruxes, including Ravena Ravenclaw's diadem. Teneille was in nerd heaven.

So many wands to choose from...

The Pantheon eventually came into view and we found the place to be pretty empty which was nice. It was originally built as a church dedicated to the country's patron saint - St. Genevieve - before undergoing numerous changes and ending up as a mausoleum to house the bodies of France's most important citizens. The top level has some great artworks depicting important moments in France's history and the basement, or crypt, has the bodies. Marie Curie is down there as well as the author of The Hunchback of Notre Dame, Victor Hugo. There is a lot of space for new bodies in the crypt and apparently the French President has the power to have people exhumed and relocated if he deems them worthy of a place in the Pantheon.

Teneille wants to be French so much she's willing to find her final resting place in the Pantheon crypt.

We also saw a trampoline in the Pantheon that no-one was allowed to touch. What's the point, then, we thought? A quick Google search later on told us it was there for some sort of performance art.

The trampoline you can't touch.

From the Pantheon we headed over to Luxembourg Palace and the Gardens of Luxembourg. It all looked quite nice but the weather had turned on us so we didn't linger. We went into the Luxembourg Museum to grab a souvenir coin for the gardens. Most tourist attractions have these coins and Teneille has been collecting them. You don't realise how many places we've really been until you look at this little pile of coins.

The Luxembourg Palace gardens.

As we headed for home we took a route that angled us up towards Musee d'Orsay so we could stop by this taxidermy shop I'd read about called Deyrolle. It looks like an extremely small shop front only a few metres wide on the street but then you go upstairs and they have half the block. The place is huge and filled with every stuffed animal imaginable. Tigers, pigs, bears, rhinos, zebras, a giraffe, meerkats, otters, countless birds and bugs. They'd even taken a horse and added wings and a horn to create a pegasus unicorn. You're not allowed to take photos in Deyrolle but they had a unicorn so...

Teneille was really hungry by this stage and a hungry Teneille equals a grumpy Teneille. Luckily for me we must have chanced upon the only street in Paris not to have a million cafes, brasseries or boulangeries. We eventually jumped into the first place we could find and grabbed some food. Crisis averted. From there it was a quick stroll home to chill out before we headed to dinner and a show at the Moulin Rouge.

Real estate in Paris is not cheap...

Our entrance to dinner and the show was being run by the same people who took us to Giverny and Versailles which meant we simply had to meet at their office before jumping on a coach that took us where we needed to be.

Dinner came and went without much issue although there were dramas when they tried to seat us at the Moulin Rouge. The place was packed and it was essentially six to a table. The woman in front of us was so fat she took up two seats. They were going to try and seat us with her anyway but my facial expression must have successfully screamed 'get f***ed' because they ended up moving us to an alternate table.

The show itself was colourful and flashy and had more boobs than one could poke a stick at. Sadly, there wasn't much on offer for the ladies. One part of the show involved an aquarium full of snakes rising out of the floor and one of the dancers diving in. We saw one more set of breasts as we exited the Moulin Rouge - a prostitute plying her trade on the street outside.

By the time we got home we'd done a huge 11km for the day. 77.5km total so far and rising, hence the name of today's blog.